Out of the Box with Steve and Lorraine

Out of the Box with Steve and Lorraine

Fresh insights & solutions for cultivating healthy relationships

#39 How to be a “Perfect” -NOT- Parent, and Not Loose Your Mind Pt 3

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Episode 39 has more encouragement and insight for parenting in this third session of How to be a “Perfect” -NOT- Parent, and Not Loose Your Mind. Dustin and Savannah Box, again give practical examples and tips in parenting as you partner with Holy Spirit. They take an honest look at Self Control vs Other’s Control,  explore The Power of Choices, Boundaries, and Consequences – with lots of practical examples to draw from and share you with some great Tools of the Trade.

If you haven’t listened to sessions 1 & 2 they are available in Episodes 37 & 38.

VIDEO of session 3 is available here

Notes for all three sessions is located in Episode 37 show notes.

#38 How to be a “Perfect” -NOT- Parent, and not loose your mind Pt 2

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What does it look like to partner with Holy Spirit in your parenting – where you are empowered and you empower your children to be all God has designed them to be? In Session 2 of How To Be the Perfect Parent and Not Loose Your Mind, Dustin and Savannah share some key concepts about connection, obedience and disciple-ing our kids. The central focus is Discipline vs Punishment.
When we communicate to others that they need to be punished, we are communicating that what Jesus did was not enough!
Get rocked and equipped today in parenting with a new perspective and valuable tools!

VIDEO for session two here

Get the notes for all three sessions in episode 37 shownotes

#37 How to be a “Perfect” (not) Parent, and Not Loose Your Mind Pt 1

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Do you have a passion to parent well? Do you desire to improve on your parenting? The Father designed the family and how family should flow together. He commissioned us to be fruitful and fill the earth… and one of the ways we do this is in family. We can all use more wisdom and direction in parenting… whether we’re parenting our kids, other people’s kids, or our grand-kids!

In this first session Dustin and Savannah Box share how the goal is not perfection, but process. Truth is, we’ll all in process. If we aren’t careful we’ll parent out of our brokenness, fears, and past mistakes. When we have grace for our process, then we can also have grace for our children’s process – because they’re in process too.
Grab hold of the truths and tools held in these three sessions over the next three episodes.

VIDEO – How to be a Perfect (NOT) Parent, and Not Loose Your Mind Pt 1

How To Be a Perfect Parent Notes P – Download pdf here

#36 What Does Relationally Healthy Look Like?

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In Episode 36 Steve and Lorraine talk about relational health and three common myths that keep us from being relationally healthy! Conflict is always a big subject in the context of relationship – is it healthy or unhealthy… where does it come from, and what do you do with it? What about failure – failure can look like a lot of different things in relationship. All the way from … “You failed to read my mind” to a serious and deeply hurtful betrayal. How do we see and draw from the benefit of failure? What about the collection of un-resolved issues in our relationship – rubble? Is it wise or even necessary to re-visit old issues that remain unresolved? How do you stop old narratives from infiltrating your current conversations?
What does Relationally Healthy look like?

#35 Equipped To Love with Elizabeth Woning

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In this episode, Steve and Lorraine introduce and interview Elizabeth Woning, co-founder of Equipped To Love a ministry designed to educate and encourage the church around the subject of same-sex attraction. Elizabeth brings hope and health to our conversations and attitudes centered around same-sex attraction. She consults with church leaders, parents to offer guidance in loving well, identity seminars, women’s groups, in addition to mentoring and personal coaching.
Her ministry seeks to compassionately offer hope and encouragement to those who have been impacted by homosexuality. Through vulnerable conversations and thought-provoking messages, she seeks to demystify the homosexual experience and extend an invitation to touch God, who fills our yearning for identity, community and intimate connection—fundamental needs for one who experiences same sex attraction.
 “Surprised by Love” teaching by Elizabeth
Other Websites
Equipped to Love – equippedtolove.com
Moral Revolution – www.moralrevolution.com
Sy Rogers – http://syrogers.com/
Restored Hope Network – restoredhopenetwork.org
Desert Stream & Living Waters Support Groups – www.desertstream.org
Books
Healing
Shame and Attachment Loss by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi
Will I Ever be Good Enough—Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
Crisis in Masculinity by Leanne Payne
Broken Image by Leanne Payne
Theology/Doctrine
Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Elizabeth Moberly, PhD.
The Bible and Homosexual Practice by Dr. Robert Gagnon
Can You Be Gay and Christian by Michael Brown
People to be Loved: Why Homosexuality is Not Just an Issue, Preston Sprinkle
Personal Stories
Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others without Sacrificing Conviction Caleb Kaltenbach
The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield

#34 39 Tips From 39 Years of Marriage

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Just having celebrated 39 years of marriage, Steve and Lorraine share 39 Tips from 39 Years of Marriage. Here in the show notes are nested links to great resources.

We want to highlight the free 3-session parenting resource with notes in Tip # 21.

This will be worth it’s weight in gold. Grab it, gather three or four other couples and get hold of some new parenting mind-sets and tools!

Okay – here we go, ready or not!

1.  Leaving and cleaving – isn’t just about our parents… This is a forever journey. Genesis 2:24
2.  Know yourself and know your spouse. We’re forever changing – who am I becoming & who is my spouse becoming?
Free DISC with report: www.TonyRobbins.com/disc
The DISC assessment is environmentally sensitive, so, as you complete the questions you should focus on one environment for which you are seeking to understand yourself. Think of your responses in the context of your marriage, family, home-life for understanding yourself in your marriage; for a work or team setting answer questions in response to that environment. You will be provided with a full report for both DISC and Values. You will be provided with a lengthy PDF – Together with your spouse/or team read through and share with one another your results – especially pages 2 and then 7-19.
Free Myers Briggs   http://www.16personalities.com
Free 360 Feedback   http://www.selfstir.com/
3.  Who’s job is whose? Defining roles based on gifting and interest rather than based purely on gender. House keeping, gardening, finances…  making room to discover your roles, redefine them in the different seasons of life. The goal is serving one another and remembering that many hands make light the load.
4.  Value based decisions – decisions are fueled by values and virtues. Develop values in these key five areas: 
Faith – Faith, church and community life, etc
Family – Our marriage, family life, parenting, etc Who are we as a couple, as a family?
Finances – All the way from values based on month to month budgeting to investing, to giving, saving, spending. Credit card usage, etc.
Fun – Social life, hobbies, vacations, restoring your souls, etc.
Future – This includes dreaming, bucket list, education, retirement dreams and planning, etc.
5.  Be aware of hidden expectations – Cultivate a value for creating a safe place to share and discover heart desires.
6.  Your differences are a gift to you. Having an open heart and value for the strength in your spouse’s perspective as you work together to the shared goal. Remember you have a gift in your spouse’s different approach.
7.  Live with a YES! “How can we make this happen.” Vs “I don’t think this can happen.”  Why not? Vs why.
8.  Commitment to generosity – of personal selves, resources, finances. Proverbs 11:25; II Corinthians 9:6-8
9.  Our home is our oasis… and an oasis for others.
10.  Individual journey with God and then pursuing spiritual oneness as a couple – praying together, God adventures, living from His presence. 
11.  Saving to pay in cash what you might be quick to purchase on credit… eliminate regretted purchases or buyer’s remorse.
11.  Value for church community – what we can give and what we receive. Hebrews 10:25 Not forsaking the assembling of yourselves…
12.  Scripture is our foundation for all of life. Memorizing it, using it as our daily bread and light for our path. Collecting a reservoir of God’s promises and prophecies.
13.  Tithing is not an option… Putting first things first – Malachi 3:10 
14.  Paying the bills and keeping the peace! Having a plan, agreement in direction, then honor in executing. Ecclesiastes 4:12 A three strand cord is not easily broken!
15.  Sharing a single check book and accounts. Our money vs my money… This doesn’t mean you only have one literal checking account, but your assists and liabilities are shared from the moment you say “I do!”
16.  How much can I spend without checking in? An understanding of our financial values positions us to protect our connection by honoring these financial agreements. 
18.  It’s not always about the kids! Don’t make your children an idol or put them on a pedestal. Keeping your marriage first creates a happy and healthy environment for your family. Raise your kids understanding the value of “us” and to honor your closed door.
19.  Dad and Mom are a team – this creates consistency in our partnership and protects our connection in the midst of family life. A commitment to checking in with each other as we are giving permission to our kids for different things.
20.  Honoring and protecting the integrity of your marriage in front of your kids. When you blow it, you clean it up first with one another privately, and then together with your kids. Teaching kids – life has conflict and it’s healthy to have conflict, and that we recover and strengthen our love-bond by how we handle conflict.
21.  Shared value and commitment in parenting. Doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but foundationally you must be on the same page. In front of the kids we agree, in private, we work it out! Get read up… resource, resource, resource. Community, friends, training… 
Lisa Max – Let The Children Fly online courses: www.LetTheChildrenFly.com
Dustin & Savannah Box – Free three part parenting series This is a great resource to gather some couples and create a small group and go through together!
How To Be a Perfect Parent and Not Loose Your Mind
NOTES IN PDF HERE:
22.  Children are part of your team… include them in caring for your home. Teaching them life-skills and giving them responsibilities sets them up to be successful in all of life and develops their personal self-worth and confidence. Learning at home so it’s natural behavior outside of the home.
23.  Celebrating one another is one of the greatest gifts we give in family and most important aspects of developing healthy self-worth. We’re rewarding effort and intention first, and secondly outcome. Looking for opportunities to celebrate success – life should be a party! 
24.  Failure is not final. When you partner with God, you can overcome anything and it will become your weapon of choice against the enemy and a source of strength, encouragement and hope to those around you. Use the “F” word… Forgiveness, perseverance and a commitment to re-building trust is foundational to a healthy marriage.
25.  FUN! FUN! FUN! Our brains need adventure, surprise, intrigue and FUN to stay healthy and young. Laughter is medicine – it releases feel-good hormones that combat stress.
26.  Laugh at and with one another… Developing strength of commitment and connection in your marriage creates space for laughing not just with one another but sometimes at one another – not in a hurtful or ridicule fashion.
27.  Believing the best until you are face to face for a dialogue. Helps to avoid judgment, building a case against one another and partnering with fear. This is about our character development and exercising trust.
28.  Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! Most of our relationship train-wrecks were because of a lack of communication, missed-communication, or unhealthy communication. Good skill-set in communication is essential and healthy communication is first an issue of the heart.
29.  Taking personal responsibility – Learn to say “I did it!” WIMP! – Don’t be a wimp, but ask the question – What is my part? Taking responsibility is fundamental in building trust.
30.  Invite your spouse into your space of personal development. Invite loving, kind, and honest feedback… Are you aware? We all have blind spots and we get to be part of one another’s growing and maturing process.
31.  Gratitude turns on our relational circuits. Not only does practicing gratitude unlock our ability to connect with God, to receive His joy and gain Heaven’s perspective, it also turns our relational circuits on with others. “If we practice feeling appreciation for five or more minutes, three times a day, any time of day, our brain will re-set normal to appreciation.” Psalms 100:4
32.  Living with one another from Heaven’s Perspective gives grace for “here on earth!” Seeing what He sees and working together to make room for and enhance each other’s greatness. Colossians 3:2  Set your mind on things above.  Philippians 4:8 Whatsoever things are…
33.  New seasons require recalibrating – relearning, re-evaluating. Don’t be afraid of leaving what worked in the past season, in the past. The Father’s got new and great things for you in each new season. Using something from the past in the future, may become baggage.
34.  He’s in the waiting – Learning to hold in tension the seasons of life and each spouse’s readiness for moving into that season. Holy Spirit will teach you, as you work together, to know His heart, His timing, His provision, and His faithfulness in those seasons. Psalms 138:8 God will perfect those things that concern you.
35.  Divine order unlocks Divine peace and is the essence of true spiritual power… God first, then my spouse, and then my family. God first and God most – keeps me from seeking to get from my spouse what only God can give me. Ephesians 5 & 6
36.  Keep learning! Keep developing yourself as a person – this makes your life rich and keeps you interesting.
37.  Develop a true friendship with your spouse. Friendship is the greatest foundation for a healthy marriage. It’s a necessary foundation that you continue to strengthen through marriage, so that when you hit the empty nest season of life, you still have “you” as a couple. 
38.  Make physical intimacy and love making a priority – John 17:21-23… one of your greatest weapons of warfare! Create a sacred space in your room – a type of sanctuary. Understand there is most always a difference in desire and frequency – talk honestly and honorably about it. Again uncover those hidden unspoken expectations. Continue to grow in your love-making, being creative, intentional and spontaneous, seeking to pursue one another’s hearts in the midst of loving each other’s bodies. The big “O” in lovemaking isn’t ORGASM it’s ONENESS!
39.  Give the gift of understanding. Let me not seek to be understood, but to understand. St Francis of Assisi. The goal is not fixing, winning, being right, punishment, but to understand! Love is spelled surrender and die.

#33 Building a Wall of Strength in Relationship prt 2

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Whether its your marriage, your team, your family, or your work environment – strength of connection determines the level of life in those relationships. In this episode Steve and Lorraine continue looking at the life of Nehemiah and provide a blueprint for building strength in relationship.
Steve and Lorraine share about taking time to survey the wall of your relationship, remove the rubble, and work together to re-build strength in your relationship.

#32 Building a Wall of Strength in Your Relationship

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Whether its your marriage, your team, your family, or your work environment – strength of connection determines the level of life in those relationships. In this episode Steve and Lorraine share a bit about re-calibrating your relationships for strength. We often look past indications that our relationship is at risk and find ways of managing what then becomes a dysfunction. Looking at the life of Nehemiah and sharing bits of their personal journey they give hope and encouragement for building or rebuilding strength in your relationship.

A few key thoughts from this podcast

1. Nehemiah was made aware of the seriousness of the situation in Jerusalem.
KEY – Don’t ignore or minimize what is not working or what you become aware of – don’t be afraid of the pain and loss that may surface, this is a gift to you to help move you to action. Avoiding pain is one of the primary reasons many couples (teams, churches, companies) stay in their dysfunction, until one spouse no longer has grace to stay in the dysfunction and the marriage.
2. Nehemiah responded by taking personal responsibility and asked God to intervene – He was honest with the King who then partnered with him.
He was granted Time
Sent with the King’s Authority
Access to Provision that would be needed
Provided with Protection
KEY – The enemy is going to push back…  
    – Stay in His grace – the empowering presence of God
    – Stay in the Word – bath yourself with truth and life, declare the revealed Word of God – say the things God is saying about you and your marriage
    – Focus on and celebrate what God is doing – this keeps you in a place of Hope as you are in process.
Take time to sit with the Father and ask Him these questions:
  • Invite Holy Spirit to reveal to you if there are areas of your marriage/relationship that are at risk. (Where are you feeling the absence of peace and joy with your spouse/team, etc.?) Where is the strength of my relationships?
  • In what ways is He asking you to take responsibility for what you may be contributing or not contributing that creates health and life in that relationship? What patterns in your life are creating dis-connects, sub-standard thinking, behaving, and living?
  • Ask the Father to show you how He wants to partner with you in this.
Episode 33 will give further insight and tools for re-calibrating your relationships for health and life.

#031 Difficult Conversations & Implicit Memory Pt 2

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Research in marriage and family therapy suggests that approximately 80% of the emotional conflicts between couples is rooted in events that pre-date the couple knowing each other.  Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson
In Episode 31 Steve and Lorraine revisit implicit memory and talk about what explicit memory is. They share why working through reconciliation is significantly more powerful at healing a dis-connect, re-patterning behavior than merely using the words “I’m sorry.”
Together Steve and Lorraine also walk through these five steps of reconciliation modeling this process.
If you haven’t listened to Episode 30 – take a moment and listeAnan to EP30 first and then enjoy part 2 here in Episode 31.
Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson

#030 Difficult Conversations & Implicit Memory Pt 1

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God wants to use our most intimate relationships as a source of healing!
In this episode Steve and Lorraine share a recent encounter that led them to understand more fully the role that our implicit memories play in our current interactions in both marriage and relationship in general.
Steve and Lorraine talk about what an implicit memory is, how the painful encounters of our past, left unhealed become present in our current relationships and affect our ability to stay present, vulnerable and powerful. Our past becomes over-layed on current circumstances and we interpret and experience this unhealed pain of the past in our today. Through their personal experience and vulnerable sharing they unpack what is often happening in our interactions that most of the time we are completely unaware of. 
By using the RAC they share how they were able to remain open-hearted, non-judging, and seriously interested and able to navigate their conversation, maintaining connection and able to access the real issue of what was taking place deep down in the unknown areas of their hearts. Together they share how self-discovery and self-disclosure is a powerful tool that leads to knowing and being known, resulting in intimacy and building trust – even in the midst of a conflicted moment.
Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson