We all have or have had situations with family members that leave us unsure, frustrated, confused, hurt or even mad! In this episode we answer a commonly asked question that involves a challenging family situation and dynamics. We give five key thoughts to consider as we face our family situations, and we offer two tools and a modeling that will give you something concrete to work with. All though we answer the question in the context of family, the keys we give can be applied to other challenging or difficult relational situations you may face.
TOOL #2 – FEEL & NEED – This is the dialogue we used in our modeling that will help you see the three aspects of a healthy conversation confronting a problem situation in a family setting. Notice, that defining the problem, does not include “he said,” “she said,” etc.? These type of statements invite an argument and at the end of the day are not necessary to the conversation – instead address the undesired attitude or behavior. Give an actual example if necessary. Make sure that you communicate what your desired outcome would be. What kind of commitment are you looking for. Agreement is not the goal – but UNDERSTANDING is.
Define the problem: When we’re together as a family and people are bringing their unresolved issues into the gathering,
How we feel any how it affects us: …it leaves us feeling anxious, vulnerable, concerned for the children in this environment, and honestly it leaves us feeling drained, tired, and cranky.
What it communicates to us: Their behavior and things they say often communicate that we’re some how responsible for their pain and life issues.
What we need: Our desire is that our family times are fun, free, safe, demonstrate maturing love and honor. What we need is to have a commitment from everyone that we, together, are going to work collectively at creating an environment that is fun to be in, that is life-giving, and a place that we all want to be. We also need people to take responsibility for their offenses and deal with the issues in their heart and privately with others outside of our whole family setting, so they are not bringing it into our time together.